SMALLEY SKIPS HER SMALLS TO SUNBATHE NUDE.

It’s DIRTY DAVE and I am back from Maliboon! You can bet I was very excited to return to a GS heat wave because a hot summer means two things –

  1. Bikini tops.
  2. Bikini bottoms.

I feel like I’ve brought a piece of Maliboon back with me on the plane (you’re welcome), or maybe DIRTY DAVE is developing a super power of his own, eh? But that aside, you’re here for the hot goss’ and I am personally cracking the flags with gossip so hot. Sledge hammer in hand, gossip in my head, flagstones cracking themselves in sheer awe of the hot goss’ I’m about to lay down.

Super babe of this year, ARRIETY SMALLEY has been hitting the beach harder than I’ve been hitting the flag stones with my hammer of gossip. Since Summer started, Smalley has been sunning herself in order to cultivate the Earth’s greatest tan. She has frequently been spotted soaking up her vitamin C on various shores around GS, but rumour has it that she has also been taking off to a secluded stretch of sand she calls her own in order to make sure that the tan gets full coverage.

THAT’S RIGHT, SMALLEY SKIPS HER SMALLS TO SUNBATHE NUDE!

What a shocker! Who would have thought such a short, innocent looking lass would have it in her! She’s got bigger balls than I do (metaphorically) but it certainly paints a lovely picture to know that her sun-kissed skin will continue underneath her stylish day-to-day outfits and skimpy stage costumes.

If anyone deserves the power of being able to sing like she does, it’s her.

 

Dirty Dave

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Tempi’s Head Hurts

Hello it is I, Tempi. Sorry for the slow news and lack of articles, I have had an achy head due to an infection and a whole array of problems in my mouth. Since I operate the site, well, I haven’t had the energy and clear vision to write well sorry. So I will come back and bring more news and fun articles in the future. Just let me get better. ^3^ pwease.

Thankies.

On a good note we are likely going to get a manga page X’3 So come and meet us when that is up!

Temperance Carter

Temperance’s Teeth Tingle Tremendously

As you may have seen our articles have been shorter and more sporadic as of late, this is because our woman in charge of the website, who supervises us and edits our articles, well, she has been ill, with tooth ache and infection. I have a theory as to why.

She has been infected with the demonic alien plague, Tranquiline, an infection that gets into your body through your teeth, silently, killing you, everyone will think you died of natural causes. But Tempi, well she is tougher than most, her body fought against the powerful plague that would have wiped out all life on earth. Her body absorbed every essence of the plague on the planet and is now locked in combat with the most devastating disease in the universe.

But for someone like Tempi this is nothing more than a minor tooth ache. She may pretend it is just a normal issue, but we shall know. My theories are always correct.

Go Tempi, save us all from this horrifying plague of the mouth. Save us all from disaster and be our unsung heroine.

Gothboth Le Strenge

Star Weaver And Her Staff Have Appeared In An American Facility

Star Weaver‘s Staff and more importantly Star Weaver herself, alive, have appeared inside a USA Government Facility. On June 20th Star Weaver was believed to have been killed and her staff stolen by what was suspected to be the assassin, Cleandemise. But today an undisclosed USA Government Facility was shutdown and taken over by a team of heroes including Star Weaver, inside the facility Cleandemise was captured and stripped of his powers by Star Weaver. The Universal League Of Heroes (ULH) who arranged the operation made the following statement; “Star Weaver’s death was planned from the moment we made her a hero. We assumed an organisation would desire her staff and would be willing to use an assassin to get it. Star Weaver faked her demise, hid within her own staff and upon reaching its destination and having sufficient evidence, she called in a team of specialised Heroes, including Lightning Slash and Power Bomb. The heroes rapidly took control of facility, detained the staff members, and confiscated all documentation, research materials and equipment.”

The ULH spoke of the capture and stripping of powers of Cleandemise. “While it is true we have captured Cleandemise and he has temporarily been rendered powerless, he has not been completely stripped of powers. Lightning Slash engaged him in combat, and assaulted him with a barrage of powerful combat attacks which lasted without pause for 10 minutes, each individual attack enough to cripple his body and knock him unconscious. Once we were sure he would not be able to instantly recover we paused the assault to have Star Weaver render him powerless while he was unconscious. He is expected to make a full recover despite his entire body be shattered and crushed.”

The UN counter terrorism force, assisted in the detention of the captured staff and military, and are assisting in the diplomatic talks with the USA Governing bodies involved.

The Secretary of Defence and the President both deny involvement or knowledge of the events, and claim the facility and staff acted independently and not on official orders, the ULH and UN will have the White House and Pentagon’s full cooperation in these matters.

The ULH answered questions addressing why they set up such a risky trap. “We have created extremely potent weapons that many people wish to get their hands on. This was an exercise to get to know our enemies and to warn them, as well as to show villains who work in the shadows, that our heroic light leaves no shadows to hide in. We have also been trying to crack down on supers for hire and assassins like Cleandemie. The operations to do so were very high cost and had low success rates. This one involved far less cost, and had far greater chance for success. Ultimately we are locked in a vicious game of chess, and this was our first play.”

The entire affair has had extraordinarily mixed responses and caused a variety of tensions and emotions in the world populace. The ULH seems to want  to put itself at the centre of the world and become the force that polices the world. So far it is extremely successful, many worry this will turn into a worldwide dictatorship, with one faction holding all the power.

Sarah Thorneson

Horrifying Hotel Hallucinations, Harbingers of Holocaust

Hotels, they all feel the same, they all have similarities, the staff, they are identical to every other hotel staff never mind where you go. But do you ever question why? Well, I can tell you. There is no such things as hotels, they are make believe nonsense, brought on by the idea of a place to rest your head on your travels. A mirage for the weary traveller to get lost in and to lose their soul. But what is a convincing mirage without belief that such a thing could exist? Well, that is why not all who sleep with in die, that is why you know  hotel employees, maybe you even worked with in a hotel.

Since time before time began, hotels and inns have existed, appearing to offer, food warmth and shelter, in exchange for a few measly coins, to those who’s feet ached from a days march, and who’s stomach groaned from a days worth of hunger. Who built the first inn? Who decided suddenly it would be a good idea to let a stranger sleep in their house and to give the stranger food and water? Who back when the first inns were made could afford to have a house that big? Those who could afford large buildings didn’t need or care for the income of a hotel. Hotels are not even profitable, it is a lie told by demons and other worldly beings. In exchange for the lives of your customers and staff, the demons give you your gold or money.

How many eerie stories are there from hotels, how many ghosts wander their halls? The vast majority of hotel chain owners are known for being heartless monsters, perhaps they are just demons possessing the body of the long deceased.

Perhaps those critics and travelers who are always raving about how good fun travelling is, are just more people possessed by the hotel demons, to drive up business.

How many people have gone missing from hotels and never turned up again?

Why do hotels always have leaflets and pamphlets telling you about really far away places? So you go to another hotel.

No one enjoys traveling, no one enjoys hotels, but we travel and we go to hotels none the less and we pretend to enjoy ourselves. Why do some hotels go out of business so quickly even with lots of visitors? Because, they are not the ones owned by the demons. A normal human cannot compete with a demon hotel, they cannot profit from a hotel.

Some of the staff at hotels never change, they never age, they are demons.

Demons can convince you of anything. And they have convinced you hotels are real. You probably think I am a fool and that this article is a joke and nonsense. But you think hotels are real. Why? Why are you so convinced? Demons, demons who want to devour all of our souls, have convinced you of something and you cannot look away from the lie to see the truth. Think about it more it makes sense. Who stays at hotels the most? Celebrities and business people, journalists too. Most of them are certainly soul less monsters who have been possessed by demons.

Just, stay away from the deathtraps, that have claimed hundreds of millions of lives already.

Gothboth Le Strenge

Star Weaver’s Staff Devastates Gang

The new and very controversial hero and ULH (universal League of Heroes) member, Srar Weaver has made a very explosive appearance into the world of hero work. The usually quiet coastal village of Cullercoats was woken by what has been described as a “thunderstorm” as Star Weaver engaged a smuggling gang in the early hours of this morning.

According to witness and police reports the cause of the noise was a lot of gun fire aimed at the young hero, who simply used her staff to stop the bullets and then proceeded to rapidly incapacitate roughly 12 smugglers one after the other, or all at once. Either way her staff proofed a devastating weapon, when utilised as a big stick to whack people with. Some accounts claim she used her staff as a bat against the gunfire, striking each bullet, while other accounts claimed she simply created a magical shield to halt the bullets, perhaps she did both. All accounts claimed that she floated and glided rather than running.

While arresting the smugglers it is said the leader of the gang fired an AMDW Pistol (Anti-Magical Defences Weapon) at Star Weaver who easily avoided the attack and quickly disarmed and apprehended the criminal.

AMDWs are controversial weapons that utilise magic resistant materials in the design and projectiles. These are controversial due to how the vast majority of magic resistant materials are exceptionally soft and weak, so such projectiles although lethal are considered inhumane due to how inefficient and ineffective they are at killing, normally causing great amounts of suffering and maiming, leaving victims to die very slowly and painfully.

The gang are to believed to be part of a much larger group of operations. Apparently 230 weapons including RPGS, AMDWs and High Capacity Assault Rifles, were confiscated, along with many crates of ammunition. All members of the gang are expected to be given life sentences if they cooperate, or death sentences if they fail to cooperate.

Sarah Thorneson

Suspect In Stabbing Of Crime Boss Victor Havar, To Be Released Into Polish Custody

On June 8th 2018 Victor Havar was stabbed in broad daylight in Manchester. After a period of time in which the suspect was missing she eventually turned up. As it turns out she is of Polish origin and is a super. About 2 months ago she was kidnapped and taken to Great Scotlan illegally and against her will, the reasons for this are still unknown at least the police have not yet given any details. After speaking with Polish representatives, law enforcement and social services, she is to be finally to be acquitted of any crime and sent back to her home country, where she will be in Polish custody and is believed to be granted the protection and aid that she requires. Polish Hero and ULH member (United League Of Heroes) Stach Konwa has stated she will assure the girl’s safety.

Victor Havar is said to be in a very stable condition and healing well, but has otherwise been taken off the grid to avoid him being assassinated, or “rescued” before he can be brought to justice.

Sarah Thorneson

Perturbing Parasitic Phantom Pests of Persiteas

You may have never heard of Persiteas, but his legend dates back to the time of the Ancient Greeks, and he was legend even then. It is said Persities was a man scorned by the woman he loved, she ripped his heart out quite literally and cast it into the ocean. In the place of his heart she placed a bee’s nest, and through his veins ran not blood but countless winged worms. Yet he wandered the shores of Greece for 20 days and 20 nights before his body finally was reduced to naught.

His soul though resided within the insects that took everything else. But his soul became terrible and corrupt. Damaged and hurt by the harsh rejection of his love, only hate and despair remained, and it combined with the hunger of those insects. The bees that took the place of his heart and love, became tainted and cursed, they no longer concerned themselves with honey and instead they became violent predators, attacking anything and everything, calving their way into the food chain and into every corner of the world, these “bees” barely resembled other bees anymore, they had become the first wasps, hell bent on inflicting pain that Persiteas felt, onto everything else.

From his blood though came the real terrors, invisible winged parasites, capable of travelling on the air and infecting your blood, getting into your nose, eyes, ears, and under your skin. They would devour you from the inside out, just as Persiteas had been. The beautiful, the popular, those that reject the love of others, those are his primary targets. The acne spots that won’t go, the random insect bits, bruises from nowhere, itching in you eyes all for no reason? Persiteas is the one responsible.

The ghosts of his envy and jealousy hunt everyone. He existed back then, he exists today.

Gothboth Le Strenge

New ULH Hero Is A Newb No-One Has Heard Of Before

The Universal League of Heroes (ULH) has accepted a new Hero into their ranks, the Star Weaver. There are many issues with her appointment.

  1. Numerous well known heroes have been rejected by the ULH. Yet she is a new hero no-one has heard off, she was only registered officially as a hero yesterday.
  2. She is very young, or at least looks it.
  3. She is a mage, most mages are not heroes. Many people believe mages are not allowed or otherwise are unable to be heroes, the truth is most qualified mages choose to go into academia rather than use their magic for hero work. And there are far less mages than supers.

Perhaps the most controversial thing about her is the fact she wields a strange looking piece of tech known as a staff. This staff was made by the ULH and is from their personal armoury. The ULH had promised not to militarise their heroes and not to use their impressive arsenal except in certain conditions. Despite the weapon being only a 5ft stick, it has caused the world’s governments to cower in fear. Staffs are known for being powerful weapons on the battlefield, but if the latest Mk 19 Direfault Staffs, the staffs favoured by the USA Military, is the equivalent of an advanced assault rifle combined with an RPG. The ULH Staffs are feared to be more akin to nuclear warheads. Some have dismissed the ULH staffs as being nowhere near as powerful as people claim. But most government bodies seem convinced of their destructive capability. The fact that a young untested hero would wield such a weapon is rightfully scary. The ULH have claimed Star Weaver’s staff is just a magical enhancement and manipulation tool.

The ULH have released information regarding Star Weaver and we will be writing that up here, if you wish to read about her.

Sarah Thorneson

Cleandemise Escapes, Dark Moth Is Hospitalised

At 18:00 today Cleandemise escaped a police interrogation room and hospitalised Dark Moth in the process. Security videos from the time were leaked showing, Dark Moth stood across from a restrained and seated Cleandemise, with a steel table between the two. When Dark Moth leaned over the table, Cleandemise lost their restraints and had regained their equipment and clothing. A hook grabbed the back of Dark Moth’s head and the assassin swiftly brought their knee the hero’s head. Dark Moth collapsed to the floor, and the assassin escaped through the door and then simply disappeared. Police, heroes and various operatives are searching for him, but it is believed to be too late.

Other security footage from the station have not record the assassin since they left the cell, and no officers in the station recall seeing him. Suggesting he disappeared into thin air.

Dark Moth was unconscious for a number of minutes and was given medical treatment but is said to be in perfect health.

For an idea of how strong Cleandemise’s attack was, it is best to look at the surroundings of the two supers. When Cleandemise struck Dark Moth, the metal table buckled and became flat against the floor, and the assassin’s chair also became crushed into the floor and back wall. The metal walls of the room concaved, from the pressure wrought by the attack. Ultimately it was an extremely powerful attack, that the shock waves were enough to crush steel.

If you spot Cleandemise, do not do anything, do not even register that you saw them, just go about your day, do not even try to contact the police, never-mind how much later, for your own safety. Despite this warning Cleandemise is not considered a threat to the public, not more so than any other assassin.

Sarah Thorneson