SMALLEY SKIPS HER SMALLS TO SUNBATHE NUDE.

It’s DIRTY DAVE and I am back from Maliboon! You can bet I was very excited to return to a GS heat wave because a hot summer means two things –

  1. Bikini tops.
  2. Bikini bottoms.

I feel like I’ve brought a piece of Maliboon back with me on the plane (you’re welcome), or maybe DIRTY DAVE is developing a super power of his own, eh? But that aside, you’re here for the hot goss’ and I am personally cracking the flags with gossip so hot. Sledge hammer in hand, gossip in my head, flagstones cracking themselves in sheer awe of the hot goss’ I’m about to lay down.

Super babe of this year, ARRIETY SMALLEY has been hitting the beach harder than I’ve been hitting the flag stones with my hammer of gossip. Since Summer started, Smalley has been sunning herself in order to cultivate the Earth’s greatest tan. She has frequently been spotted soaking up her vitamin C on various shores around GS, but rumour has it that she has also been taking off to a secluded stretch of sand she calls her own in order to make sure that the tan gets full coverage.

THAT’S RIGHT, SMALLEY SKIPS HER SMALLS TO SUNBATHE NUDE!

What a shocker! Who would have thought such a short, innocent looking lass would have it in her! She’s got bigger balls than I do (metaphorically) but it certainly paints a lovely picture to know that her sun-kissed skin will continue underneath her stylish day-to-day outfits and skimpy stage costumes.

If anyone deserves the power of being able to sing like she does, it’s her.

 

Dirty Dave

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Spanish Heatwave Visiting Great Scotlan

The top Spanish Super Hero, Heatwave, is visiting Great Scortlan on a tour of Great Scotlan as part of a joint nation crack down on drug smuggling. The Spanish hero is said to be talking to Dark Moth, TAXIman and Blade Kinsobe about how the two nations heroes can be more involved in the war on drugs and war on smuggling.

This is part of the worldwide initiative to find and stop any production or storing of an illegal, weaponised and extremely deadly, super power enhancing drug. The effects of which wracked Birmingham in the I.B.M. incident.

Heatwave is not only a Spanish hero but the Minister of Interior in Spain. The Minister of Interior has a number of duties which includes presiding over police, national defence and immigration. So will be meeting with multiple politicians and police forces across Great Scotlan to discuss tightened security and new routines.

Heatwave is also giving a number of public speeches and attending many events as a hero, but is not on active hero duty while within the country.

The Great Scotish Public have been overwhelmed by his presence so far. He is expected to stay for a further 7 days.

Sarah Thorneson

Sidehire’s side job causing rifts in the ULH?

Submerging Wave, Greece’s top hero and one of the Universal League of Heroes’ top 5 heroes, recently hired Sidehire, the convicted super villain, as an adviser. This raised many eyebrows in the hero world and normal world alike. Although other heroes including Dark Moth, the hero Sidehire has declared a vendetta against and who is currently investigating Sidehire for involvement in a recent case, have yet to speak out against this choice.

Submerging Wave has been very quiet as of late, being involved in less cases and seen with other heroes less often. Normally other top heroes would regularly be seen visiting Greece to aid Submerging Wave, but for the past week they have been seen less often in Greece and even less often with Submerging Wave.

Submerging Wave has also not been spotted in the USA where the ULH and UN have taken control and many other heroes from around the world have been stationed there. This is all inconclusive but could point to evidence suggesting that Submerging Wave has been distanced from by the ULH, and that cracks are forming in the ULH upper echelon at such an important time.

Whatever the case we hope that the hiring of Sidehire was the right thing to do and that it is just coincidence that Submerging Wave seems to be distanced from by his peers.

Sarah Thorneson

Indomitable Block Man Attack Report

The police have finally released a statement and report on the Indomitable Block Man that attacked Birmingham last week. We will break down the important details:

Casualties:
58 dead- 28 Police, 16 Civilians and 14 Military
36 Police Wounded, 12 still in hospital, 32 Civilian Injured, 8 still in hospital, 13 Military Injured, 3 awaiting return to active service.
No critically injured.
All in all 139 casualties.

Property Damage:
£500 Million worth of damage, £320 million was recovered by repair and recovery teams. A further £100 million was restored thanks to emergency diminishing responsibility magic.

Cost of relieve efforts, Hero deployment and emergency service operations:
£80 Million.

The Indomitable Block Man is confirmed to have died to a drug induced heart attack. He was on multiple drugs at the time. It is also true he was on a military grade experimental power enhancing drug that had its research pulled and banned by the UN and ULH. It is believed to be this drug that killed him.

The villain is also known to have belonged to a small time gang and was a teenager known to the police, he was on the “Minor super” list, a list of known supers with minor powers.

The police and hero forces across the country are working to find other sources of the drug and destroy them. They are also working with the ULH and International Police to find if other similar incidents may have occurred or if the drug is on the international black market.

More top tier heroes and military super divisions are to be on active duty for more hours of the day to prevent such a large scale incident happening again.

Sarah Thorneson

Business Not Quite As Usual in the “Super” USA

With the ULH and UN vs the USA case ongoing, the United States of America has become tense, with a feeling of unease coating the nation. The citizens have been told to go about their days as usual. But without President Farttington raving on the news and social media and with UN and ULH official on every corner, no one really knows what to do.

Many are claiming the UN has turned the USA into a prison or a military state, others are saying the citizens have been turned into nothing more than a possession or bargaining chip. Many claim to feeling like a hostage.

But this morning a number of laws were repealed and a number of other laws were enforced. Strict and “inhumane” immigration policy was changed, prisons have been told to reform, minimum wage is going to be increased, food and health standards are to be raised, LGBT and race protections are to be implemented and updated, and gay marriage has been legalised.

Star Weaver the acting head of the USA has announced a review on gun laws and police tactics are to be undertaken.

Many liberal citizens of the USA are proclaiming the take over a gift from god and hope the USA never regains its independence if it means losing the new laws and regulations.

Many conservative citizens believe the entire take over is a conspiracy to take away what makes the USA the USA. That the new laws are not in the people’s best interest and Star Weaver should not have the authority to make such changes.

Many world leaders and government officials have been quoted to say they fear a similar take over, especially those countries with more conservative constitutions.

Sarah Thorneson

USA vs ULH and UN

The Universal League of Heroes and United Nations are taking the Government of the United States of America to court, the International Court of Justice will be working along side the Open Hero Committee to bring a resolution and justice to the situation.

The situation involved the recent events with Star Weaver at its heart. The UN and ULH took over and arrested the personnel of a USA Government facility in the USA, after Star Weaver’s staff turned up with in the facility. The International Court of Justice and Open Hero Committee are working to determine who is responsible for the theft of Star Weaver’s staff, and her attempted murder, the reason behind it and the level of responsibility for each person involved. The ULH and UN, desire to charge all involved with attempted murder, theft of ULH property, attempted illegal acquisition of Weapons of Extraordinary Destructive Power, hiring of a known criminal, harbouring known fugitives, smuggling and unethical use/theft of public funding.

The USA Government denies all involvement and claims all personnel and known persons involved acted in secret and independent of the United States Government and all affiliated peoples. There is no word as of yet if there is any evidence or confessions that support or refute these claims.

Other than Cleandemise it is unknown who was arrested or which facility was involved. Until the trial ends, the ULH and UN are taking over all official task of the United States Government including national defence. UN and ULH soldiers, personnel, vehicles and property have been spotted at every known USA military base, port, court and government building. The UN and ULH have made a statement claiming they will work in the best interest of the citizens of the USA and will work with the current elected Government to make sure that happens, but until a new bond of trust can be made, the USA Government can no longer be trusted to act independently, or make any decision without extensive scrutiny.

President Farttington released a statement “I am not to blame, we will get our country back, they are Tyrants. They probably faked everything.” World Leaders across the globe are openly supporting Farttington.

Soldiers across the USA have spoken to reporters claiming the take over was sudden, “one second there we were going about our day, the next second we had foreign soldiers pointing guns at us, and our own heroes along with foreign ones, stood alongside them. we couldn’t do anything, our guns wouldn’t work, grenades became duds, vehicles stopped working at all and all these aggressor had the letters UN emblazoned on their gear. They were everywhere, in the bunkers, in the offices, store rooms, they knew every little detail of the base. They appeared from thin air. It was terrifying, in the end we just did what they told us. And they simply told us to do our duty as normal.”

Nigh identical reports are pouring in from around the country.

Star Weaver is the acting leader of the USA until the trial ends, having been voted in by the members of the International Court of Justice and Open Hero Committee.

The International Court of Justice is situated in the Netherlands and deals with international issues and disputes, acting independently from any one nation. The USA has had its disagreements in the past, but with the aid of the ULH, the UN seems confident in its ability to enforce rulings onto the USA.

The Open Hero Committee, is an organisation set up to settle legal issues involving heroes and is the creator of the Heroic Code of Conduct a legal document that both protects heroes from the law, but also enforces a strict set of rules on heroes, the Open Hero Committee rarely enforce any of their rulings and instead relies on the police and other law enforcement of  the countries to deal with sentencing.

Sarah Thorneson

Star Weaver And Her Staff Have Appeared In An American Facility

Star Weaver‘s Staff and more importantly Star Weaver herself, alive, have appeared inside a USA Government Facility. On June 20th Star Weaver was believed to have been killed and her staff stolen by what was suspected to be the assassin, Cleandemise. But today an undisclosed USA Government Facility was shutdown and taken over by a team of heroes including Star Weaver, inside the facility Cleandemise was captured and stripped of his powers by Star Weaver. The Universal League Of Heroes (ULH) who arranged the operation made the following statement; “Star Weaver’s death was planned from the moment we made her a hero. We assumed an organisation would desire her staff and would be willing to use an assassin to get it. Star Weaver faked her demise, hid within her own staff and upon reaching its destination and having sufficient evidence, she called in a team of specialised Heroes, including Lightning Slash and Power Bomb. The heroes rapidly took control of facility, detained the staff members, and confiscated all documentation, research materials and equipment.”

The ULH spoke of the capture and stripping of powers of Cleandemise. “While it is true we have captured Cleandemise and he has temporarily been rendered powerless, he has not been completely stripped of powers. Lightning Slash engaged him in combat, and assaulted him with a barrage of powerful combat attacks which lasted without pause for 10 minutes, each individual attack enough to cripple his body and knock him unconscious. Once we were sure he would not be able to instantly recover we paused the assault to have Star Weaver render him powerless while he was unconscious. He is expected to make a full recover despite his entire body be shattered and crushed.”

The UN counter terrorism force, assisted in the detention of the captured staff and military, and are assisting in the diplomatic talks with the USA Governing bodies involved.

The Secretary of Defence and the President both deny involvement or knowledge of the events, and claim the facility and staff acted independently and not on official orders, the ULH and UN will have the White House and Pentagon’s full cooperation in these matters.

The ULH answered questions addressing why they set up such a risky trap. “We have created extremely potent weapons that many people wish to get their hands on. This was an exercise to get to know our enemies and to warn them, as well as to show villains who work in the shadows, that our heroic light leaves no shadows to hide in. We have also been trying to crack down on supers for hire and assassins like Cleandemie. The operations to do so were very high cost and had low success rates. This one involved far less cost, and had far greater chance for success. Ultimately we are locked in a vicious game of chess, and this was our first play.”

The entire affair has had extraordinarily mixed responses and caused a variety of tensions and emotions in the world populace. The ULH seems to want  to put itself at the centre of the world and become the force that polices the world. So far it is extremely successful, many worry this will turn into a worldwide dictatorship, with one faction holding all the power.

Sarah Thorneson

Russia Anti- Super/Hero Celebration Event Ends In Fire

Today, as the world’s eyes are on Russia due to the world cup, a huge military parade was arranged and marched through the streets of Moscow, and around the Kremlin. With it Russia unveiled all its latest anti-super technology, weapons and innovations. The events started well, with a minor crowd mainly of the visiting heroes, but it would end in tragedy for the Kremlin and Russian military, the display of weapons and equipment were meant to be turned on and fired at dummy targets but instead the equipment exploded and burst into flames ineffectively.

No one was seriously harmed and the only injuries were minor, suffered by the weapon operators, heroes on the scene were quick to make sure everyone was okay and the disaster did not spread.

The Kremlin has released an official statement. “The weapons were only tests and prototypes, we were prepared for this event, but the technology is coming along. We believe the weapons may have been sabotaged and are looking into it. We will punish any enemy spies.”

The USA President Farttington said the day was spectacular and should not allowed to be marred by “such a minor inconvenience.”

ULH (Universal League of Heroes) has not made an official statement and is not expected too.

Sarah Thorneson

Police Report on Pretty Princess’ Escape

Yesterday Pretty Princess escaped her Antarctic prison in an attempt to attack Manchester, but her rampage was put to a stop by the combined efforts of, Lightning Slash, Dark Moth, TAXIman and WOMAN.

The police have published a report detailing the fall out of the event and their public response. The gist of it states, the cost of removing the gems is roughly equal to the value of the gems, and that there were no casualties from her rampage. The 4 heroes involved are currently in perfect health. There are however people seeking mental help due to the attack.

Sarah Thorneson

Star Weaver Killed And Her Staff Stolen

The new hero and Universal Hero League member, Star Weaver, has been killed at 12:20 today while on duty, responding to a drunken and disorderly call. Her staff was also stolen. It is said she is only 22. Detectives believe it was a targeted attack, they in fact believe it was an assassination by the villain and master assassin Cleandemise. Heroes and police are working together to find the culprit and the staff.

Lead investigators believe the target was the staff, “she was just collateral”.

The ULH have warned the public and governments, not to worry about the staff, “the staff is nothing special, the only special thing that was lost today is Star Weaver. Your thoughts and prayers should go out to her and her family. The staff posses no threat to anyone.”

Despite this the ULH has dedicated a lot of resources to hunt down the staff and the killers. When questioned about this they stated “we cannot allow murderers to be free on the streets, especially killers of young killers.”

Sarah Thorneson